Sh*t happens!... how to think more resiliently

Source: K.Pechlivanos on CRM K-Hub

Yes, shit happens. Life is not a fairytale. Actually, it can be a shitty place to be. Most of us have suffered or will suffer a trauma and all of us have gone through many adversities so far. Everything in life is constantly changing, for better or worse. Yet, humankind is still standing because our survival has depended upon our ability to adapt to challenges; because we have shown resilience.

Resilience

The term resilience has multiple definitions; It could be “the ability to persist in the face of challenges and to bounce back from adversity” or be “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness”. I like to think about it as “Accept, adapt & move on!”. Several evidence-based protective factors contribute to resilience. The important thing is that resilience is a skill so it’s only up to you to build, practice, and hone it.

Thinking traps

Our reality is a controlled hallucination. In a brief and rough description, our mind projects our world, based on experience, senses, emotions etc. so the outcome might be not as objective as we tend to think. Think about Plato’s Cave. Here comes the pretty acronym of Ellis’s ABC (adversity– belief– consequence); activating event (A), beliefs (B) about the activating event, and the emotional and behavioral consequences (C) of those thoughts. Thus it is those thoughts and not a setback itself that are our big enemy.

Black and White Thinking. Tendency to see things as all-or-nothing, either good or bad, right or wrong, only the extremes of a situation.
Emotional reasoning. Tendency to interpret our experience of reality based on how we are feeling in the moment.
Mind-reading or Predictive Thinking. Tendency to jump to conclusions (very much similar to the “Fortune-telling”).
Catastrophizing. Tendency to overestimate the likelihood that something terrible will happen, making things out to be a lot worse than they should be. (aka a probability error)
Personalization. Tendency to take the blame for absolutely everything that goes wrong with our life; wrongfully assuming responsibility for something.
Filtering. Tendency to focus on the negative events rather than on the positive outcomes of a situation.
Should-ing and Must-ing. Tendency to make unrealistic and unreasonable demands on ourselves, and on others. In other words, when you tell yourself how you “should”, “must”, or “ought” to feel and behave.
Labeling. Tendency to make global statements about ourselves or others based on situation-specific behavior, often based on past experiences and personal opinions, rather than on hard facts and evidence.
Overgeneralisation. Tendency to use our past experiences as a reference point for making assumptions about present or future circumstances based on a single event and minimal evidence.
Helplessness. Tendency to believe that situations are inescapable.

13 Tips to help build your resilience

Cultivate Self-regulation, Self-awareness, and Mindfulness.
- Meditate, practice Yoga, be grateful, and make a STOPP (Stop! Just pause for a moment/ Take a Breath / Observe your thoughts and feelings /Pull Back – Put in Some Perspective / Practice What Works – Proceed, Vivyan, 2015).
- Dispute your thoughts and use what is called cognitive reappraisal.
- Stick to the facts/ evidence.
- Be open-minded and have a multi-aspect approach.
- Have a Contingency Plan – “what if” scenarios.
- Think about the worst/best scenario and get ready for the most probable one.
Let it go. Don’t dwell on the past; what’s done is done. Leave behind either failure or success.
Accept what you cannot control, and focus on only what you can control otherwise you waste vital energy.
Set goals following the SMART (Specific/ Measurable/ Attainable / Realistic/ Timely) or if you prefer use the WOOP (Wish/ Outcome/ Obstacle/ Plan).
Consider any adversity as a challenge rather than a threat. Aim even for post-traumatic growth.
Be brave; embrace your failures. Normalizing your failures is part of the game. People only show off the tip of their iceberg based on their successes. Remember Thomas Edison. Don’t compare yourself with others unless you know everything that they are hiding. Also, do accept the good enough sometimes.
Find a meaning, a sense of purpose in your life.
Have faith; in God, Buddha, whatever you name it. Spirituality has a considerable contribution.
Be happy, stay optimistic, and savor some positive emotions. To quote N. Chomsky, “Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.”
Make fun of everything, even yourself; humor is beneficial.
Stay fit; be in a good physical health
Be gritty. Nothing comes effortlessly.
Last but not least, socialize. “No man is an island” as John Donne wrote. Share your thoughts, and your experiences, and don’t hesitate to give or seek help.